


Find Out What Broke Me Soon Enough

by Kalcifer



Series: Kobus Lives [2]
Category: Friends at the Table (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-24
Updated: 2019-11-24
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:34:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21543079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kalcifer/pseuds/Kalcifer
Summary: Kobus is still reeling from their failed attack on Grace, but when Aria Joie asks for their help, they can't think of a good reason to refuse.
Series: Kobus Lives [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1552597
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	Find Out What Broke Me Soon Enough

**Author's Note:**

> This is apparently now a series where I try very hard to get Kobus someplace where they aren't expected to sacrifice themself for a nebulous greater good and Kobus refuses. They're inching towards a happy ending, though, so maybe someday I'll get them there.
> 
> Titles in this series, and for my other Kobus fic, have all been pulled from songs from [this playlist](https://ipreparedexplosiverunes.tumblr.com/post/188441720413/fiercestpurpose-sacrificial-candidate-a), because it's very good for getting emotional over Candidates to.

Kobus has been at the Hands of Grace compound for several days now; they’ve lost track of how many. Vicuna’s been able to drive away anyone who would question them. That won’t last forever, though. Liberty and Grace still hasn’t come back, and people have to be talking about it behind her back.

Kobus wouldn’t know. They’ve only spoken to Vicuna and the medic who fixed their arm, and then only in clipped statements of fact.

Vicuna herself isn’t doing very well. She’s still able to snap at her subordinates, to give orders with the confidence of Divine authority. She spends the rest of her time locked in her rooms. Kobus has overheard her talking to herself on more than one occasion.

They’re starting to think separation from Grace will destroy her. They wish they could help, but as the one who severed her from Grace in the first place, they don’t know how much help they’ll be. So far, she doesn’t seem to have acknowledged the situation at all. She treats Kobus like they’re still the little kid who barely left their Divine. They don’t want to know what will happen if they push that.

They ought to leave. Vicuna will probably be better off without them, and there has to be something they can do, some purpose they can still serve. They can’t afford to sit around and do nothing.

They just can’t convince themself to move. Nothing they’ve done has mattered. They’ve been fighting for what they thought was right for so long, and none of it has mattered. They’re ready to give up and let the universe forget about them.

They’re finally startled out of their stupor by their phone chiming. They’d forgotten it was on. There aren’t many people who’d want to get in touch with them.

In their surprise, they check the screen without thinking. There’s a message from Aria Joie, of all people. Buried in the standard diplomatic boilerplate is a simple message. She wants to talk to Kobus specifically.

They rub their eyes, wondering if they’ve gotten so lonely as to hallucinate. The message stubbornly refuses to change.

They hadn’t realized Aria even knows who they are. They’d been at some of the same events, sure, but Kobus had never spoken to her directly. They were a weird choice of contact in both political and personal terms.

They type up a quick response, not bothering to match her level of formality. “I’d be happy to point you to someone who can negotiate, but I’m not going to be much use to you right now.”

They get a response almost instantly. It’s as bare as their own message. “It has to be you,” Aria says. “Please.”

If Kobus had been confused before, now they’re outright alarmed. They can’t imagine what would shake Aria Joie like this, or why it would send her to them. It’s enough to make them type, “Okay,” despite their misgivings.

They pause with their fingers still over the keyboard. Aria has Righteousness now. She hasn’t advertised it, but Kobus had seen it enter her mech. If this conversation is as dire as she makes it sound it would make sense to have it in person, especially when she can get here instantly.

But for that to happen, Kobus would have to go to the Divines. It might mean having to face Loyalty. Kobus knows they’ll fall apart if they do.

It’s the coward’s way out, but they append, “What is it?” to their message and hit send.

Aria’s reply takes longer this time. “I’m not totally comfortable having this conversation through the Mesh. Is it possible for us to meet up?”

Kobus groans. After an intense internal debate, they send, “Ask Service to open a gate.” Service is unlikely to ask question, and Loyalty won’t be around it unless there’s no choice.

They can’t believe they’ve sunk so far as to willingly seek out Service.

They lever themself out of bed. It’s just as well they haven’t had the energy to put away their key-field suit, because they can’t stand the thought of stepping out of their room without some sort of barrier between themself and the rest of the world, and wearing a blanket cape to meet with major political figures is generally frowned upon.

They keep their head down as they navigate to the hangar. They pass several technicians and couriers, each of whom does a bad job of pretending not to stare. Kobus tries not to react. They can at least pretend they still have their dignity.

It’s the first time they’ve been in the hangar since Grace, but they don’t have time to dwell on it, as beside Service Kobus can see a pattern hanging in the air. Bricks of light seem to be stacking up to form a door. That door swings open, and there’s the Righteous Regent, sleek and black and seemingly too beautiful to house something as predacious as Righteousness.

Aria steps out with all the elegance she shows in her broadcasts. The image is absurd, to Kobus’ eyes. Why would someone as self-assured as Aria seek out someone like Kobus so desperately?

She smiles when she sees them. “Thank you again for agreeing to meet with me,” she says. “I know this was short notice.”

“Sure.” Kobus gives a noncommittal shrug. “It’s not like I have much else to do.”

Aria looks like she wants to say something, then thinks the better of it. She glances back at Service, still looming over the Regent. “Is there somewhere we can talk more privately? I know someone will need to monitor me, but…”

“It’s fine,” Kobus cuts in. If the past few days have done anything for them, it’s showing them how to avoid the rest of the Hands of Grace when they need to. And what’s Aria going to do, kill them? They’ve already been alive a week longer than they’d intended to be.

“Oh,” Aria says. “Cool.”

Kobus doesn’t take the direct way back to their newly-claimed room, leading Aria through maintenance corridors and seldom-used hallways. It’s a relief to be out from under the gaze of the Divines.

When they arrive, Aria hesitates in the doorway. “Are you sure?”

Kobus’ response is to brush past her and sit down on the bed. “I’d offer you a chair, but…” They gesture around the spartan room.

Aria sits down next to them.

“Okay,” Kobus says. “What did you need me for?”

“How do you keep a Divine from consuming you?” Aria’s expression is defiant, but the fear in her eyes is all too familiar.

Kobus hadn’t thought they’d had expectations for this conversation, but the question still comes as a shock. They can’t make sense of it, not here, not now. “What?”

“I know that we can’t afford to lose any weapons in the fight against Rigor. And Righteousness in particular could be a symbol for the Vanguard, something for people to rally around when all hope seems lost. But I saw what it did to Ibex.” Her voice cracks. She takes a deep breath and forces herself to continue. “I can’t let that happen to me. There’s too much I want to do, and I won’t let Righteousness take that from me. So please… I need to know how you did it. I need to know how to make Righteousness work for me.”

Kobus laughs, a sharp sound that surprises them almost as much as it does Aria. ”I’m the last person you should be asking that.”

Aria reacts immediately and with more force than Kobus expects. “What are you talking about? You’re the Candidate who stepped down!” She nearly hits them in the face with the scope of her gestures. “If anyone knows how to escape a Divine’s influence, it’s you.”

“Look how well that worked out for me.” Kobus gestures vaguely around the compound. “I never figured out how to work with Loyalty. I spent years letting it take the lead, barely even thinking for myself, and then when I realized what was going on, I quit. I haven’t spoken to it since.” They hug themself. It’s a pale imitation of the contact they long for. “I’m sorry. I really wish I could help you.”

Aria looks distressed, but she squares her shoulders nonetheless. “Okay. I…okay. That’s still more than I knew before. I can work with that. Thank you.” She looks Kobus over. “And I know it’s not really my place, but are you doing okay?”

Kobus would love to raise an eyebrow at her, to calmly point out what a ridiculous question that is. They aren’t exactly in a position to do so, though, and none of this is Aria’s problem anyway. They settle for shaking their head. “It’s fine. I’ll be back in action before long.”

Aria’s frown deepens. “That’s not what I meant. It’s okay if you need to rest. There are other people who can take over until you’re ready.”

“Really? Who? Because sure, maybe you and your friends can take down Rigor on your own, and then we’ll all live happily ever after. But what happens next? Who’s going to look out for all the people who’ve only traded Rigor’s tyranny for Grace?” They straighten, though they leave their arms wrapped around themself. “I… I appreciate the work you’re doing for your people, but I have to take care of mine.”

“If you’re sure…” She trails off like she’s waiting for them to change their mind. “There’s always room for you in the Vanguard, if you want.”

It’s clear that she’s offering out of pity, but for a moment, Kobus wants to accept. It’s clear that they can’t handle themself after all. An external goal and orders to follow would make everything so much easier.

They can’t leave Vicuna behind, though. They can’t let Service or Loyalty or even Liberty and Grace drive the Hands of Grace further into the ground. They can’t abandon the people who need them.

“Thanks,” they say. “Want me to walk you back to your mech?”

It’s hardly the smoothest dismissal, but Aria accepts it at face value. “That would be great.”

Unlike before, she fills the trip back to the hangar with mindless chatter. Kobus should probably be paying more attention, judging by how many of the names she mentions are prominent figures in the sector, but all they can do is nod along and make the occasional inquisitive noise. Aria doesn’t seem to mind.

By the time they’re standing in front of the Regent, Kobus is feeling almost human again. “Let me know if you have any more questions,” they say. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to answer them, but…”

“Of course,” Aria says. “Thanks again. See you around!”

She climbs back into her mech. Kobus shivers watching Righteousness’ light dance in its joints, but manages not to flinch when the familiar line of fire shoots out from it. They have to avert their eyes as the doorway of light opens. When they look back, the Righteous Regent is gone.

Service stares down at them, lights flashing in what could be judgment or dismissal. Kobus intentionally doesn’t read into it. It can’t matter to them anymore.

They’re done wallowing in self-pity. They have work to do, for the citizens they were once meant to represent, and for everyone in the sector. In the galaxy, even. There’s no way Rigor will stop at Golden Branch, and neither will Grace, if she ever returns. There’s so much to be done to set things right.

They just need to figure out how to do it.


End file.
